The Marine: Unrated Cut (2006) - Review

Director: John Bonito

Cast: John Cena, Kelly Carlson, Robert Patrick, Anthony Ray Parker

Country: United States

Rating: Unrated

Run Time: 92 minutes

The Marine is an extremely cheesy and ridiculously stupid action film from WWE Films, the studio that typically tries to make movie stars out of its own wrestlers. The WWE already makes their wrestlers act out pre-scripted story lines. Therefore, why not let them act in movies? When one thinks of wrestlers turned actors, names like Hulk Hogan (No Holds Barred), Andre the Giant (The Princess Bride), Steve Austin (The Expendables), Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (The Scorpion King), and now Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy) come to mind. Whether you feel these wrestlers' performances are quality or not, you can't deny that you know their names. 

Dwayne Johnson seems to have transitioned best from the ring to the screen with performances in mega hit films like The Rundown, Fast Five, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, and Fast and Furious 6. It seems that Bautista is the next wrestler turned actor primed to enter into the mainstream consciousness with roles in films like Riddick, Guardians of the Galaxy, and the eventual Bond 24, a.k.a. Spectre. However, it seems that wrestler turned actor John Cena never quite landed the roles or the films that launched Johnson and Bautista to stardom. In a sense, Cena's career seems destined for the DTV realm (which is okay, honestly, the DTV realm is a highly respected realm amongst action fans). But Cena had to star in theatrically released films first in order to test his chances at cinematic stardom. Unfortunately, the guy only got two wide release flicks under his belt.

How much did they pay Robert Patrick to appear in this schlock?

Which brings us to The Marine, John Cena's debut film and WWE Films' second theatrically produced film. It's a shame that The Marine was Cena's debut film because the film is shockingly terrible. And I mean terrible. This film reaches such lows that I couldn't help but laugh out loud at how bad it was. I guess this made my viewing experience more enjoyable too because I had no clue that the film would turn out as bad as it did. I thought that The Marine would simply be a dumb and serviceable action flick, not a "so bad, it's good" kind of film. But alas, it is most definitely "so bad, it's good."

The Marine opens up as United States Marine John Triton (John Cena) rescues several hostages from a group of al-Qaeda extremists. Unfortunately, Triton finds himself honorably discharged from the Marines the next day for disobeying a direct order by intervening with the extremists. As John returns home to his wife Kate (Kelly Carlson), a group of jewel thieves led by Rome (Robert Patrick) rob a jewel store and go on the run. In order to help get John's mind off of things, Kate decides that the two should go on a road trip. As the two fill up at a gas station, they stumble upon Rome and his gang. When a police officer starts to speak with Rome, one of his henchmen guns down the cop and sets off a chain reaction of events. Rome kills the remaining cop, one of his henchmen knocks out John, and the rest of them take John's car with his wife inside of it. When John awakes, he hops into the remaining cop car and heads after Rome and his men in order to rescue his wife.

Oh boy, where to start? The Marine's biggest problem is that its tone bounces all over the place. The film plays more like a self aware cartoon in which all of the actors know full well that they are in a movie. The characters crack jokes about their crimes, make self aware remarks of their past films (Patrick looks at the camera during a Terminator reference), and even go on rants about how black men are always blamed for everything. This failure to treat the content seriously utterly kills the film and prevents it from ever finding its footing. I am completely baffled that director John Bonito okay-ed for the film to contain numerous moments of dialog about how a henchman named Morgan (Anthony Ray Parker) hates rock candy. Do you want to know the reason why Morgan continually brings up his hatred for rock candy? Because rock candy relates to a time when a camp counselor raped Morgan as a child. That's right, rape is treated like a joke in the film. Rape! Do the screenwriters have no soul? The Marine joins the ranks of Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen as one of the most insulting and offensive films in cinema history.

How do they not see John falling?! Shoot him! Not the car!

You don't know stupid until you have met the dumbest criminals of all time in this film! Rome and his crew of henchmen are the world's stupidest and most annoying characters in cinematic history, I kid you not. For example: when a police officer talks to Rome at a gas station, all of his fellow jewel thieves get nervous that the cop will realize who Rome is. However, the conversation the two have about Las Vegas seems to go fine. But than for no reason, Morgan walks up behind the cop and shoots him in the head! Why!? Why does he do this!? The cop was having a friendly conversation about Las Vegas, not about who Rome was and if he looked familiar or not. Morgan does nothing but escalate the problem! Later on in the film, Morgan complains about their situation. When Rome hears this, he tells Morgan that the entire situation is his fault. Morgan than replies by going on a rant about how black men are always blamed for everything. Hey idiot, you are the reason for everything! Why the hell is your character ranting about black men anyways? It has nothing to do with anything! You aren't funny at all either! I could go on forever simply about the idiotic decisions that these villains make, they are that non-sensical and irritating.

The other irritating thing about The Marine is that it is littered with scenes that serve the main plot in no way whatsoever. The plot of The Marine is plain and simple: when a Marine's wife is taken by jewel thieves as a hostage, he sets out to rescue her and take out the thieves using his skills as a Marine. It's a great plot for a simple minded action film that should provide plenty of opportunities for entertaining action and bad-assery. If you ask me, it's about as simple minded and basic as the plot for the contemporary action classic, Taken. However, The Marine continually blows this basic plot by bombarding the viewer with unnecessary scene after the other. 

For starters, the film takes 35 minutes to get to the hostage situation. 35 minutes! Therefore, almost everything that comes before the opening 35 minutes is nothing but pain inducing. For example: one unnecessary scene in the opening act concerns Morgan's desire for a cool car to drive around in. As Morgan visits a car shop, he goes on a rant about how a black man cannot be seen driving a mini-van. Not only does this scene run for too long, but it has the balls to end on a shot of Morgan breaking the fourth wall and looking at the audience as he picks out a cool ride! Why does Morgan do this?! There is also a god awful side track during the middle of the film in which John is captured by two swamp dwellers who mistake him for a cop. This side track from the main plot serves no purpose other than to add one more fight scene into the mix of the film. Otherwise, it is completely unnecessary and utterly baffling. Moments like these made me question if I was watching a parody of an action film and not a real action film.

Sorry John Triton, but you are no John Rambo with that knife of yours.

Cena does a fine job during his action scenes and holds up well during fist fights. The man is after all a professional wrestler/stuntman. Therefore, he pulls off his moves convincingly. However, the man cannot effectively carry an emotional or humorous moment for the life of him. This seems to be Cena's biggest fault as a screen actor. In the ring, wrestlers typically overact and act out pre-scripted melodrama. On the big screen though, they have to deliver convincing drama stripped of the melodramatic cheese found in the ring. Cena struggles to deliver a convincing portrayal of a troubled Marine who misses both his former job and his wife. Fellow co-stars Robert Patrick (Terminator 2: Judgement Day), Kelly Carlson (3000 Miles to Graceland), and Anthony Ray Parker (The Matrix) also deliver lousy performances. You can blame it on them, the material, or the direction. Regardless, none of the performances gel the way that they should. It should be noted that Anthony Ray Parker's character Morgan is quite honestly one of the worst characters in screen history. I hated him that much.

I have essentially spent this entire review bashing all that is The Marine. However, I did find a few things to enjoy. First, The Marine can be thoroughly enjoyed on a "so bad, it's good" level. Even though it fails as a legitimate film, it succeeds on the so bad front. Get some friends together, pop this sucker in, and laugh your heads off at how bad it is. Second, the pyrotechnics and vehicular stunt work in the film are quite great. The gas station explosion and the ensuing freeway car chase both make for some great popcorn entertainment. There are also plenty of explosions towards the end of the film as John hangs onto the side of a semi-truck as Rome plows it through one explosive barrel after another. These few pyrotechnic heavy moments are the film's strongest point. I also enjoy the film's similarity to Commando in that it features a man saving a captive loved one using his former infantry skills.

But the positives stop there. Honestly, you couldn't pay me to write great things about this film. I must mention one of the supplements on the DVD though before I end this review. One of the interviews on the disc has Vince McMahon of WWE Films state that the studio was insistent on making a character driven action film for Cena's debut feature. I'm sorry, but I doubt that anyone who walks away from The Marine is going to call it a great character driven film. It's just not going to happen!

I wish the whole film was this and less of Morgan's rock candy references.

The Marine is a real tour de force of crap. If John Benito had focused on the basic plot at hand and not allowed so much awful humor and side plots to get into the way, than The Marine could have made for a half decent piece of popcorn entertainment. Even with all of the film's flaws, a few choice action scenes still shine through. I really do feel bad for poor John Cena. The man could not have picked a worse film to start his cinematic career with. In a sense, The Marine began and ended Cena's career like that. Cena only appeared in one more theatrically released action film after this: the Renny Harlin directed 12 Rounds in 2009. Since than, the man has yet to return to action cinema and seems to be keeping his acting career ring side and in comedies. Oh well. 

Rating: 2/10 - A true piece of crap if there ever was one. Terrible jokes and awful pacing damn this film to the bottom of the bargain bin and to re-runs on Spike TV for the rest of its existence.

Related Films:
The Marine 2 (Roel Reine, 2009)
The Keeper (Keoni Waxman, 2009)