Cobra (1986) - Review

Director: George P. Costamos

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Andrew Robinson, Reni Santoni, Brian Thompson

Country: United States

Rating: R

Run Time: 87 minutes

After blowing up all that remained of Vietnam in 1985 with Rambo: First Blood Part II, director George P. Costamos and Sylvester Stallone reunited one year later to tear up the streets of L.A. in Cobra, a silly but highly entertaining 80s actioner that blatantly rips off Dirty Harry. It's clear that Stallone, the screenwriter of the film, envisioned for the film's titular character to become the next franchise character for him a-la Rocky Balboa or John Rambo.

Unfortunately, Cobra did not merit any sequels despite its impressive box office results. It's a shame, because the character is tailor made for more adventures. If Clint Eastwood could return to the Harry Callahan character four times, why couldn't Cobra return? I'd much rather live in a world where Cobra 2 and Cobra 3 exist instead of the abysmal Expendables sequels that Stallone repeatedly returns too despite their all around crappiness. However, we'll always have Cobra, a flawed but under appreciated entry in Stallone's lengthy action filmography.

"Welcome to the 80s."

Marion "Cobra" Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone) is a member of an elite division within the LAPD called "The Zombie Squad." He is only called upon when the LAPD encounters a problem that can only be resolved by someone with immense skill. The film opens with a rather disturbing scene in which a crazed man opens fire on grocery store attendants with a pump shot gun. While this scene might have played as cinematic escapism in 1986, it now stands as a disturbing reminder of today's all too real shootings and killing sprees. Fortunately, the psychopathic gun man's murder spree is cut short when Cobretti sneaks up on him and dispatches him with his impressive quick draw skills.

This opening scene introduces us to Cobretti and establishes that crazed people are committing crimes in the name of the New World Order, a cult like group of people led by The Night Slasher (Brian Thompson), a psychopathic serial killer. I'm not certain exactly what the New World Order wants though, as their goals and motivations are never clearly outlined. When Ingrid Knudsen (Brigitte Nielsen), a model, witnesses the Night Slasher kill one night, she alerts the police. This earns her the Night Slasher's rage, as he wishes to dispatch her as quickly as possible so as not to jeopardize his New World Order. As Cobretti investigates into the Night Slasher case, he eventually learns of Ingrid and realizes that he must protect her from the Night Slasher and his psychopathic followers. Cobretti and Ingrid eventually leave the city and head for the country in order to escape the Night Slasher and ultimately confront him once and for all.

Cobra is first and foremost a blatant Dirty Harry rip off. The opening credits alone are a blatant rip off of the opening credits from Magnum Force, the second Dirty Harry film. As Cobra monologues off screen about society's rampant crime rate, a pistol turns towards the screen and fires at the viewer exactly as Harry does in opening credits to Magnum Force. But the Dirty Harry comparisons don't stop there. 

There is no subtlety in Cobra, only hyper realized extremism.

Cobretti himself is modeled after Harry Callahan, the titular character of the Dirty Harry series. He's a larger than life cop who doesn't play by the rules, has an extreme distaste for criminals, and repeatedly clashes with authority. All of these characteristics are staples of the Harry Callahan character. However, Cobretti is nothing more than an invincible and ridiculous imitation of Callahan without any of Callahan's charm or realism. I know that it might sound ridiculous of me to say that Harry Callahan is a remotely realistic character, but the fact that Callahan's wife died by the hands of a drunk driver and that Callahan gets his ass handed to him in each of the Dirty Harry films makes his character all the more relatable and realistic. Cobretti is nothing but a cheap imitation of all of the things that make Harry Callahan an iconic and relatable character.

Cobretti also has a signature hand gun of his own just as Harry does. Cobretti carries a customized Colt Gold Cup National Match while Callahan carries around his iconic .44 Magnum. Stallone makes his character all the sillier by adding an actual Cobra graphic to the handle of his gun. Cobra also has a plot similar to Dirty Harry in that it tells the story of a cop who must go to extremes in order to stop a serial killer from slaughtering innocent civilians. Cobra even has two of Dirty Harry's main cast members, Andy Robinson and Reni Santoni. Santoni even plays the same character that he played in Dirty Harry, that of the friendly partner to the larger than life protagonist. And his character even has the same name! I best stop writing about how similar Cobra and Dirty Harry are to one another or else that is all this review will become.

The key to enjoying Cobra is to not take it seriously or fault it as a lousy Dirty Harry rip-off. Instead, one must embrace Cobra as a cheesy action film from the 80s that shows off all of that decades excess and glory in the form of its star, soundtrack, and slasher influences. Cobra is not a good film to say the least, but at least it's a damn fun one, which is more than I can say for some action films. As far as Stallone films come, Cobra is one of his most entertaining and wildly violent. I wish that Stallone either did more cop films like this or turned Cobra into a franchise because I tend to prefer cobs and robber type films over men on a mission films a-la Rambo.

Product placement as subtle as Spider-Man jumping in front of the American flag.

Marion "Cobra" Cobretti is a larger than life character who doesn't play by the rules and exists purely for cinematic escapism. He also exists as a way for Stallone to explore one of his favorite obsessions in the world: food. I don't know what was going on with Stallone at the time that he wrote this screenplay, but he peppers this entire film with themes of food; from product placement, to discussions of food, to the act of eating the damn stuff. The most mind boggling scene in all of Cobra occurs right towards the beginning when Cobretti returns home and pulls a day old pizza out of his fridge. Instead of grabbing the pizza and biting into like any sane person, Cobretti grabs a pair of scissors and cuts off a triangle of the thing to eat. This scene boggles my mind like no other, as nobody cuts their pizza with scissors for goodness sakes.

Cobra also gets major action cred for being set at Christmas time a-la the Die Hards and the Shane Blacks. I'm a huge sucker for Christmas time action films and am thankful that Stallone tackled the season of cheer at least once in his filmography.

However, what makes Cobra so distinct from the rest of the action genre and its 80s counterparts is its obvious slasher influences. I would argue that Cobra is almost an action/horror hybrid because of its eerie music, diabolic shot selection, and terrifying characters. Unlike Dirty Harry's Scorpio villain, the Night Slasher is literally a slasher who walks around and slices open men and women throughout the night with a massive knife with spikes coming off of it. If I were to show you a few choice scenes from the film without any context, you might expect them to be from a slasher film that you were not aware of. Women in high heels and nice outfits are constantly in danger and peril thanks to Stallone's screenplay and Brian Thompson's thirst for murder. Cobra is also heavily reminiscent of Eastwood's Tightrope thanks to their narratives of cops huntings serial killers and their incorporation of the slasher sub-genre.

Cobra lays waste to a horde of New World Order worshippers.

Despite their entertaining acts of insanity, Cobra's villains are immensely frustrating. The film's many serial killers all claim to be a part of a cult entitled The New World Order. This New World Order stands around in a warehouse, clanks their axes together in unison, and goes around and kills people late at night in various ways. However, they never explain why they kill people and how it will help establish their new world order. In fact, they never even explain what their vision for a new world order is anyway. The film's cult-like villains are as generic and poorly written as a gang of psychopaths can be.

Fortunately, Cobra has a wealth of action, courtesy of Cobretti's cobra stamped pistol and his laser sighted machine gun. The film's first impressive action sequence comes in the form of a car chase / gun fight at the film's mid point in which Cobretti must defend Ingrid from the New World Order. The car chase is packed with large explosions and impressive slow motion shots of flying cars and flipping vehicles. 

Unfortunately, the final battle ends the film on a whimper. Although packed to the brim with bodies and gun fire, the action sequence is plagued by lousy editing and unnecessary extreme close up shots of Cobretti's gun barrel blazing away. There's nothing sillier than seeing Stallone grit his teeth, followed by a shot of his gun barrel fire, and than finally a shot of a henchman falling to the ground. The deaths are made all the lamer and the action all the weaker because Stallone's bullets never connect with the henchmen in a convincing manner. We are instead forced to look at an extreme close up of his gun's barrel, followed by a flailing henchman.

Aviator shades and a toothpick in the mouth. The definition of bad ass.

Cobra honestly has more cons than it does pros. However, its unabashed 80s aesthetic keeps it afloat and immensely entertaining from start to finish. Besides the awesome action sequences, bad ass cast, and slasher influences, Cobra benefits from an amazing soundtrack of 80s artists that ranges from Robert Tepper to Gladys Night. I always love the hell out of Stallone's song choices and am a complete sucker for an 80s love ballad, no matter how cheesy and silly the song is or the film that its accompanies. Cobra is a guilty pleasure if there ever was one, and I am unashamed to admit to loving it. Therefore, I can't help but recommend Cobra to all action fans, especially to Stallone heads. Even though Cobra is a worse film than all four of the Rambo pictures, I would argue that it is infinitely more entertaining than any of them thanks to its ridiculous plot and cheesy romance. I also especially recommend the film to slasher fans due to its obvious slasher influences and women in peril sub-plot.

Rating: 7/10 - A ridiculously right winged action film that comes off more as silly escapism than a legitimate message film the way that Stallone probably intended.