Home Media Catch Up - The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

Director: Breck Eisner

Cast: Vin Diesel, Elijah Wood, Michael Caine, Rose Leslie, Julie Engelbrecht

Country: United States

Rating: PG-13

Run Time: 107 min

Home Media Catch Up is a series dedicated to reviewing films released within the same year or prior year that I either missed upon theatrical release or have not got around to viewing on home media yet. Therefore, they won't contain the historical depth of a Retrospective Review, nor the initial reaction of a Theatrical Review, but more so something in between.

Even though Vin Diesel appears to be a muscle bound meat head (the Fast and Furious franchise asserts this), he is truly a nerd at heart. Diesel is notoriously a fan of Dungeons and Dragons, a fantasy based game that is immensely popular amongst nerd type crowds. Diesel also pours his heart and soul into each of his Riddick films, a series that represents his most nerd-like sensibilities with their vast mythos and world building. It seems that for every successful Fast and Furious film, Diesel partakes in either a science fiction or fantasy based film that pleases his nerd tastes. Therefore, it came as no surprise when Diesel starred in The Last Witch Hunter in 2015, a fantasy film that might as well have been Diesel's answer for a Dungeons and Dragons type film starring himself. 

Unfortunately, the The Last Witch Hunter turned out to be nothing more than a critically reviled flop, a weak and uninspired attempt at jump starting a franchise that more closely resembled Diesel's previous science fiction flop, Bablyon A.D., than a truly fleshed out genre epic like Diesel's Riddick series. Not only is The Last Witch Hunter a lazy retread of previous science fiction/fantasy films, most notably Blade, Constantine, and Highlander, but it barely features any action amidst its fantasy world building. The Last Witch Hunter is 2015's fantasy equivalent to Hitman: Agent 47, a pair of dull and emotionless action films with nothing but unnatural conversations about exposition and plots that make absolutely no sense. You know your movie sucks when you can't even top Constantine.

Am I hotter or Kaulder?

Kaulder (Vin Diesel) and his witch hunting buddies go after the Queen Witch and her followers in the opening prologue of the film set in medieval times in order to vanquish the source of the Black Plague. When every witch hunter falls, only Kaulder is left to stand up against the Queen Witch. Even though he defeats her, she strikes back and curses him with immortality in her final moments. Fast forward to the present day where Kaulder is now the last witch hunter in a world where witches and humans live in peace due to a truce. However, a witch decides to break the truce in order to bring back the Queen Witch to the present day. Kaulder, along with the help of his witch hunting buddies, Nolan the 36th (Michael Caine), Nolan the 37th (Elijah Wood), and Chloe (Rose Leslie), go after the Queen Witch and try to prevent the Black Plague from being cast upon the world once again.

The Last Witch Hunter owes a lot of its plot, character, and genre to Russell Mulcahy's flawed but fan favorite fantasy actioner, Highlander. It duplicates Highlander's time bending fantasy, as well as its never ending war between various factions and persons. It also grounds its action in gun and sword play, a distinct element of the Highlander franchise. Even Kaulder, who would most likely be a villain in a Highlander film because his name starts with a "K," is a rip-off of Connor MacCleod with his curse of immortality and collection of ancient artifacts. However, The Last Witch Hunter fails where Highlander and its counterparts succeed because it features no distinct style of its own. It's a corporate made studio film with no imagination and lazy fantasy designs that prove that no heart and soul was put into the picture at all.

One of The Last Witch Hunter's greatest sins is its failure to explore the implications of immortality. Even Highlander, which is a silly fantasy offering in the first place, is memorable because it places a huge emphasis on the effects of immortality and what it would be like to live forever. Highlander, along with its music video-esque style, would be nothing without its exploration of said theme. Whereas The Last Witch Hunter, a dull and lazy reworking of the Highlander mythos, features a protagonist who doesn't seem bothered by his immortality. Therefore, not only does Kaulder show no character in the first place, but he doesn't even seem to care about his own predicament. Talk about a forgettable and unrealistic fantasy protagonist.

I can at least admit that the Queen Witch's design is original.

The film also features several similarities to the Blade series. Kaulder is apparently feared by all witches as the ultimate witch hunter, more or less the way that Blade is feared by vampires. However, imagine if Blade had no personality or charisma to him, and you would have The Last Witch Hunter's protagonist, a character who is lazily nicknamed "the Weapon." Come on guys, "the Weapon?" That's the best you could come up with? The film also features witches who are referred to as "dream walkers," much the same way that Blade is referred to as a "day walker." These similarities are so shocking that The Last Witch Hunter might as well be a re-spray painted version of Blade, but with none of the awesome action or atmospheric horror.

Speaking of action, The Last Witch Hunter features very little of it, which is damning considering the monotony of the film's dull plot that will put viewers to sleep in the first place. Although I expected the film's affective prologue to simply be the bottom of the hill, it turns out that the dark and violent opening sword fight is where the film's action peaks. From there, Diesel partakes in very few supernatural fights and shockingly short set pieces that barely even classify as sequences. Even the finale, which pits Diesel and friends up against a tree-like monster and the Queen Witch, lacks any imagination or style and operates as an anti-climax to what desperately wants to be a blockbuster film. For those hoping to see Diesel duke it out with other witches using his sword and gun, don't get your hopes up.

Another damning criticism of Diesel's fantasy is that it features some of the most unnatural world building that I have ever witnessed in a wannabe franchise. It's much the same as 2005's Constantine, another "this world versus this world" kind of fantasy film where the world is established through conversations and dialog instead of natural cinematic language. Kaulder and friends spend most of the film walking around and explaining elements of their fantasy world to one another instead of inhabiting or developing said world in a natural or engaging manner. Combined with the film's extremely lazy fantasy designs (seriously, a tree monster and a plague of flies?), The Last Witch Hunter is as low rent as fantasy fiction comes.

Here's your trio.

Although I expect Diesel to appear in schlocky B-movie affair like this, it pains me to see the rest of the film's cast flounder in a fantasy fiction undeserved of their talents. Poor Michael Caine plays Dolan the 36th, more or less the film's equivalent to Whistler, Kris Kristofferson's mentor in the Blade series. Caine has to spout ridiculous dialog about the world of witches and the Axe and Cross and this and that, purely to receive a pay check that can go next to the ones he earned for similar schlock-fests Jaws: The Revenge and On Deadly Ground. His screen time is so short anyways that you just might forget he is in the film after all.

The other hilarious supporting performance comes from Elijah Wood. It's sad to see the mighty fall, as Wood has gone from The Lord of the Rings, the greatest fantasy series of all time, to this. Viewers will be able to call Wood's allegiance's from the get go and will find his performance possibly the most cringe worthy. It's no insult to Wood, I love the guy, but he's always been a rather cheesy performer. Therefore, if you pair the guy with cheesy material, you are going to score laughs.

The last piece of the wasted talent puzzle is Rose Leslie, who more or less acts as the co-lead of the picture next to Diesel. Leslie, much like Wood, is most well known for one of contemporary media's greatest fantasy stories, the Game of Thrones television series. To see her stoop from that to this is just about as cringe worthy as it sound.

Fire sword! Activated!

The Last Witch Hunter is a desperate franchise starter that offers up barely enough material to suffice a franchise, let alone one film. Director Breck Eisner, who I have failed to mention until now, barely suffices as a competent director either. If you pair Eisner's bland style with the film's awful script and lazy fantasy designs, you have yourself one bland fantasy film that somehow made its way from the Syfy Channel to theaters. At least it's not as bad as Highlander: The Source. While Diesel may be fun to watch in fantasy affair like this, even he appears tired and lazy in a film that is nothing more than routine. Despite the film's horrendous reviews and lukewarm box office, Diesel has guaranteed that a sequel is on the way. While it may be fun to see how much worse this series could get, I would prefer that Diesel focus his cinematic efforts on his much beloved Riddick series. Heck, I'd rather see The Pacifier 2 than another The Last Witch Hunter.

Rating: 3/10 - Let's hope that this is the last The Last Witch Hunter. Enough said.